


2 a.m. Thoughts

by FoolishAngel1987



Series: Unwell and on Fire [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Absent Parents, Angst, Dark Thoughts, Disappointment, Emergency room, Gen, Head Injury, Heavy Angst, Insomnia, M/M, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Self Loathing, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Short Chapters, Suffering, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, childhood angst, running at night, unhealthy thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24292186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolishAngel1987/pseuds/FoolishAngel1987
Summary: After his return to the 118 following the lawsuit, Buck has trouble sleeping
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Unwell and on Fire [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783552
Comments: 70
Kudos: 413
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Running

**Author's Note:**

> Little glimpses into Buck's mind as he struggles at night with the weight of his days

It was quiet out here on the concrete path, but that was to be expected considering it was just going on 2 am and most people were at home in their beds, snuggled up to their loved ones or sleeping alone and happy about it. But not Evan Buckley. He was neither tired or happy and after almost half an hour of tossing and turning in his bed, he found himself outside his apartment complex running the well lit path in the hopes that he would exhaust himself enough that he would be able to sleep when he went home. That's what it had come down to, tiring himself out to the point where he basically passed out as soon as his face hit the pillow.

As his feet pounded the pavement, he thought back to the past weeks since his return. The trouble sleeping had been there since before he was allowed to come back, not that anyone knew about it. He had become very good about hiding the fact that he was struggling, even when things were slowly starting to return to normal. They were talking to him again, Bobby brought him back out on calls, and even Eddie and him were hanging out like they had before. It was all he had wanted for so long and yet it still didn't feel right. Something had shifted between them and even though they were going through the motions of their usual dynamic, Buck could feel that he was still separate from the others. On the surface it all seemed ok but as the last few weeks of nightly running had proven, he was alone with the thoughts in his head and didn't feel like he could reach out to any of them. He didn't want to burden his friends and if he was truly being honest with himself, he didn't want to seem weak. So he couldn't sleep through the night. Big deal. 

_You're exhausting._

_We all have our own problems but you don't see us whining about it._

_You're exhausting._

Buck slowed down his pace until he was at a standstill in the middle of the pavement, the blood pounding in his ears along with Eddie's voice and his heart hammering wildly inside his chest. There was a slight breeze that brushed across his face, cooling his flaming cheeks. The sound of traffic could be heard in the distance and he tried to focus on that instead of what was going on in his head.

He blinked once and then again. The whole world seemed to be going in one direction while his eyes went in the other, his whole body feeling unstable and turning his stomach. Vertigo, the word came to Buck's mind as he tried to draw more breath into his lungs.

 _You're exhausting Buck. Stop making it all about you_.

He leaned over and cupped his knees, dropping his head down low, breathing hard. The sound of Eddie's voice, angry and frustrated bounced around inside his head as it usually did when those words entered his mind unbidden. He forced himself to sit down on a nearby bench and clapped his hands over his ears, mumbling to himself in an attempt for his best friend's voice to fade away, the only time he had even wished that.

“Just stop... please stop. “

{**}-{**}


	2. Grow up, go away

A faucet was dripping somewhere in his apartment. He couldn’t tell if it was from one of his bathrooms or from kitchen and he didn’t have the urge to get up and check. It seemed loud even though it was only a drip. But everything seemed loud at 2 am.

Buck turned on his side, staring through the metal bars of the half wall in his loft, willing his eyes to get heavy. He use to do this a lot when he was a kid, staring at a random spot across the room in the hopes that it would force his mind to shut down. It did work some times when he was younger, but it seemed that the older he got, the less and less it worked. What did he use to do as a kid when staring at something didn’t work? He certainly didn’t crawl into bed with his parents like some kids did when they couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t remember if he ever did anything like that. He was pretty sure he never intentionally sought his parents out for comfort no matter the reason.

Buck flopped over on his back and stared up at the ceiling, the old fluttering in his heart starting to quicken. It was going to be one of those night, he just knew it. If he was lucky, he would manage to scrap out 4 hours of sleep before he had to go in for his shift. He wasn’t even going to consider calling out. He still had so much to make up for.

_ You’re always screwing things up Evan. That’s something you better grow out of. _

His father’s voice came to him then, creeping into his head so suddenly that he nearly flinched his way across the mattress and fell out of bed. He breathed slowly, trying to calm his racing heart and reminded himself that he was 28 years old, not 6. His father couldn’t hurt him anymore and yet he still felt his shoulders trembling in fear. He had always tried to stay out of his father’s way and appear invisible, because if he was invisible then his father couldn’t take his anger out on Buck.

_You know that he doesn’t like to be disturbed. You bring this on yourself_ . 

Buck closed his eyes when his mother’s voice joined his father’s and he burrowed himself under his pillow and blankets as if trying to hide from them even though he was alonein the apartment and he hadn’t had contact with his parents in 10 years. While his mother had never been as bad as his father, she still hadn’t been what you would call a good parent. She never seemed to have the patience to deal with him and he learned from a very young age that if he wanted comfort, he should go to Maddie and not his mom.Buck still cringed when he thought about the night he had gone to his mother’s room and hovered in the doorway, calling out to her that he couldn’t sleep. He would never stop hearing her response. 

_ Suck it up and deal with it Evan. Now go away . _

He never went back to her room again, knowing that it would never end any differently then it had that one time. He had taken to pacing his room and talking to himself- some times with Maddie if she was awake. When he was older, he would watch nature documentaries to lull him to sleep or play around on the computer. But he never tried again to find comfort in his parents.

It was too hot under the covers so Buck pokes his head out and rolled on his side again, his eyes catching the clock just as it clicked to 2:45 am 


	3. Thoughts to a nowhere future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quiet moment on the beach has Buck thinking about the future

Buck knew he shouldn’t be here on this empty beach at 2:30 in the morning completely alone and no one around to help him if he found himself in trouble. He had even debated turning back when his feet first hit the sand, but the only other option was to return to his apartment and continue pacing the floor like he had been doing far too much these days. He didn’t feel like going for a run and laying in bed staring at the walls didn’t hold much appeal either. So he came here; ducked under the safety chains blocking off the beach and toed off his shoes and took them in hand before taking off for the shoreline. He stopped right at the point where the waves reached the dry sand and sat himself down.

And it was where he had been sitting for the last 20 minutes. He almost felt calm sitting here with his toes buried in the cool coarse sand and the sound of the waves crashing up towards him. Almost calm.

It hadn’t even been anything to throw him off his sleep, not anything big anyway. Sure they had a few close calls during his shift, but nothing out of the ordinary that he wouldn’t see on any other day. There were no fatalities and only minor injuries in the apartment fires and multiple car pileups that they had seentoday.If anything, it should have been easier for him to sleep tonight. They all loved through the chaos and they all got to go home.The others to their families and him to no one.

Buck grimaced at the pathetic direction of his thoughts, because it wasn’t like he didn’t have anyone. He had his sister, he had the 118; they were his family. So he wasn’t alone; far from it actually.

And yet.No matter how many times he reminded himself that he had people, it didn’t change the fact that he still felt like he was wandering around alone. Everyone in his life had someone to go home to at the end of the day, someone who was waiting for them. Bobby and Athena, Hen and Karen, Eddie and Chris, Maddie and Chim.

And then there was him. Who did he have to go home to? Not a partner or a child. It was just him and his big empty apartment that felt more like a museum for all the warmth it exuded and less like a home. He forgot that he had initially loved the place when he had been looking.But now he almost despised it.

Buck dug his toes further into the sand and looked across the empty beach towards the boardwalk. In less then 7 hours, this whole area would be full of people, friends and families. All of them laughing and having fun with each other. Kids being chased by their siblings or parents, parents taking them by the hand to go down to the water. Or screams of delight coming from a ride on one of the boardwalk rides. It would likely be something they they had done many times before but it never stopped being a beloved moment. They would all be happy.

And Buck couldn’t help but think that he would never have that. After all, any partner he had in the past , they all left him in the end. Abby, Ali; the girlfriends before them and the boyfriends even further back. He was good enough to flirt with, great enough to sleep with for weeks on end but never enough for them to stick around and have a future with him. Why didn’t he get to have that?

He thought he had been moving towards that with Eddie and Chris before the lawsuit. There had always been something lingering between him and Eddie since the beginning but something had always gotten in the way before they could work up the courage to confront it. First Shannon’s return and then death, then the truck bomb and his injury, then the embolism and tsunami, and finally the lawsuit and his subsequent return. Nothing had happened or even came close to happening since Buck had come back. Things were barely functional between them and if they were lucky, they got through calls and shifts without being at each other’s throats. It was better then it had been when he first returned.

But Buck wanted more than that. At the very least, he wanted their old normalcy back, he could live with that. If he allowed himself to dwell, he had to admit he wanted way more. He wanted to go home with Eddie to Chris. He wanted to have dinner with them and tuck Christopher into bed after reading him a story. Buck wanted to end the night in bed with Eddie’s arms around him as he drifted off to sleep, his head blissfully quiet for once.

He wanted it all. But he knew he would never have it. No one wanted to share that kind of future with him. No one wanted him enough to try. 


	4. No one to call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small trip down the stairs sends Buck to the emergency room where he sits alone with his thoughts, debating whether he should reach out to someone.

Buck stared at the TV playing softly in the corner of the emergency waiting room and tried his hardest to keep his eyes open and his thoughts from drifting. He had been sitting in this chair for the past 2 hours since he walked in and the nurse at the desk had told him since he wasn't in danger of dying anytime soon, that he would have to wait to be seen. And after filling out the paperwork and handing it back in, Buck curled himself into an uncomfortable padded chair across the room from the front desk and made sure to keep one ear alert for his name to be called. At least the bleeding had seemed to stop.

Buck felt like such an idiot. Here he was, back in the hospital for what seemed like the millionth time this year only this time he wasn't here because of an injury at work; it wasn't because he had done something heroic. It was the night before his day off and he had fallen down the stairs. Or not even fallen down the stairs, he had missed the last step and fell, catching the side of his head on the corner part of the wall near the bottom and blood had started flowing almost instantly. He was lucky to not have knocked himself out and instead of calling an ambulance like a a normal person would, he simply pressed a hand towel against the wound and grabbed his phone and keys and drove himself to the hospital. And even thought there were trails of blood coming down from underneath the towel, once the nurse had determined he was not concussed, had sent him to the waiting room until a doctor could see him. It was the middle of the night and not how Buck had envisioned his time off and who knew how much longer it would be until he was seen and stitched up. He would be lucky if he was seen within the next hour or so.

Buck sighed and closed his eyes, resting his face against his curled fist and making sure to keep the towel still pressed against the cut. A thought had occurred to him that he should have called someone. Maddie was at work, but he could have called someone from the 118 to come and sit with him while he waited to keep him company. If it wasn't a shift busy with calls then Bobby would have been fine sparing someone for a little while, especially if it was because one of his firefighters was in the hospital. At least that is what Buck had hoped. It was the middle of the night and he didn't want to be alone. His hand went to his cell phone and then paused. He couldn't call them this late and even if he did, what was he suppose to say? No he hadn't been in an accident, no he wasn't dying. Would they really care just because he needed a few stitches? That tiny bit of doubt kept him from reaching for his cell phone right then and making the call. What if he did call and no one could come? 

Or what if they could come and they just didn't want to?

If this had happened a few months ago, Buck wouldn't have hesitated. He probably would have called as he was driving to the hospital and had someone meet him there. But this wasn't like a few months ago, things were different now; the situation still too fragile for him to reach out to them like he use to be able to. Yea they were talking now more than they did when he first came back. But it wasn't the same. He still felt like he was on the outside looking in. He didn't feel welcome at meals, he didn't get invited out to team activities outside of work. Even when he was working closely with them on calls, it still felt like there was some invisible wall between him and the rest of the team, keeping him from truly being apart of it. He was lonely even when he was with them and he didn't know how to fix it. He had been trying for so long and he was just tired. But maybe that was just the head wound talking. And in that moment, he was sort of glad he hadn't reached out to any of them. Once they got word of this, they would have a field day at his expense.

He could just picture it now. The comments, the snide jokes about him not being careful enough. They always thought he was some kind of trouble, always seeming to wait for him to mess up and call him out on it. They may think of it as some lighthearted banter, but it felt like a sharp jab every time they teased him. How was he suppose to turn to them when he was hurting, knowing that they were just going to make fun of him for it?

Buck almost jumped when he felt the tear rolling down his face, swiping it away before anyone else in the waiting room could see. He hadn't cried in front of anyone since he was a kid, it had always been in private when he was certain he was alone. People already thought less of him, this would only further damage how he was seen. His father's voice came back to him then and he had to fight the urge to cringe.

_Don't be a sissy Evan, boys don't cry. You're weak if you do that crap._

Even though the lesson had tried to be forced into his head, he had never been able to follow through on his father's orders to never cry, it only taught him to hide his pain and let go when it was only him. He never forgot that. It was why things had gone so slow with Abby. His first serious relationship was eye opening in many ways and he had started to learn now to be vulnerable in front of his partners. But then she was gone and it felt like any progress he had made went with her. It took a long time before Buck had felt ready to open up like that to anyone. He thought he and Eddie were on that path going somewhere beyond friendship but as usual Buck had to screw everything up and now he had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him. And he hadn't just ruined everything with Eddie, he had ruined everything with the 118.

He was a screw up. There was no denying that.

“Evan Buckley?” The receptionist called out to him and Buck immediately jumped up to meet her and followed her into a nearby examination room. He sat down, wincing as he pulled the towel away, feeling it cling to his skin where the blood had dried. He tossed it into a nearby garbage as the nurse turned to look at him. “Just looking at the cut, you're definitely going to need stitches.”

“Yea I figured.” Buck sighed, blinking his eyes and fighting off the exhaustion that seemed to wash over him suddenly. He had been tired for a long time it seemed.

“It's going to take a bit longer to clean that and stitch you up. And we should probably run some tests, make sure you don't have a concussion.” She looked over the paperwork he had handed to her hours ago. She glanced at it one more time before turning to him. “Do you want me to call anyone for you?”

“No. I'm alone. There's no one to call.”


	5. Just breathe

_Breathe... just breathe_

Buck closed his eyes and willed his heartbeat to return to normal but that was hard to do when it seemed to have hit him out of nowhere and he was currently sitting in the bunks of the 118 firehouse, trying not to draw attention to himself. On the bright side, if there was a bright side; he hadn’t been in a deep enough sleep to get trapped inside his night terror and he had been able to wake himself up before he made too much noise. He had purposely chosen the bed farthest from the door on the chance that he did have a panic attack in the hopes the distance would be enough to keep the others from coming to check on him. Not that they would, it has been a long time since they had reacted like they use to.

Now if they thought he was in physical danger, they would come running. After all, Bobby can’t have a firefighter die on his watch. That wouldn’t look good and Buck had caused enough trouble with the lawsuit. He didn’t want to give them another reason to keep him at a distance. If he kept up this pretense that everything was ok, that everything was normal then maybe things really would go back to how they use to be. That’s all he wanted . 

But he was alone in the bunks thankfully and was able to calm himself down without anyone staring at him and making it worse. He had tried his hardest to keep his attacks from the rest of the team, not wanting them to see him at his weakest and have a reason to leave him behind again. If he ever felt the twinge of panic start to over take him on a call, he would find any excuse to hide his face or do something that put him around less people or at least around other firefighters who didn’t know him as well as the others and who wouldn’t notice his behavior was off. It had worked, no one knew a thing was wrong.

Maybe he should consider telling them that he had been struggling for a while now. Maybe him expressing that he was hurting would be the thing that both helped him and brought them all back together again. But then he remembered the weeks in the hospital after his surgery when he was doing physical therapy and Bobby had been around him and seeing him at his lowest and everything that had followed after that. Buck knew he couldn’t reach out to any of them, especially not Bobby. Bobby would react by trying to keep him behind a desk once again. Buck couldn’t do that. He would never be able to tolerate it.

So he stayed quiet with his thoughts, buried them as deep as he could until they were almost nonexistent. But lately he hadn’t been able to keep them down, they rose back up too quickly and it was becoming harder to push them down again while piling other stuff on top of it.

Buck thought of the medication bottle siting in his bag at the bottom of his locker. It was still mostly full, the pills having been taken only sparingly. But the team didn’t know he was on medicine for panic attacks and if he left the room now to go get one, surely the team would question him or perhaps even become suspicious and he didn’t want to deal with that. They wouldn’t understand anyway. Or worse, they would accuse him of playing it up for sympathy points.

No. It was better if they were kept in the dark about this. He had been trying so hard to maintain control of things since his return and them knowing about the pills and panic attacks would just be fodder for them to tease him about. He could deal with this on his own. He was strong enough. He had been dealing with this alone his whole life. Why stop now?

_Did he want to stop now? Did he want it to be over?_

The thought came to his mind without warning, slamming against the inside of his head with a jarring force. It sent a shiver down his back and he immediately blocked it out. No no no. He wouldn’t go down that road. He wouldn’t even give it a second thought. He was not that person. He had fought too hard to get back to this point. He wouldn’t allow himself to be dragged back to that kind of thinking no matter how much it called out to him.

No just no. 


	6. Starting to slip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is drowning inside his own head and it’s starting to take it’s toll

Buck was findingit harder and harder these days to exist outside his own head.

Sure when he was on shift he did a good enough job of putting on a facade that he was fine and everything was normal but in the back of his mind he was begging someone to latch on to the smallest of things and ask him if he was ok. He was quieter than usual; he couldn’t remember the last time he joked with Chim and Hen or told Eddie some random fact that he had learned the night before. No, he kept his head down more and spoke when he was talked to first. And they didn’t seem to think that was strange. They all had their own lives and problems to deal with so it wasn’t their fault that they didn’t know something was wrong. But even when Buck was dealing with his leg and all the problems that came after, he still noticed when something was up with the others. He didn’t have it in him to ask for help, every time he thought he was able to, his throat constricted with nerves and choked off any words that tried to come out. He hoped that the others would pick up instinctively that there was a problem. People just know these things right? They can tell even when the person pretends that everything is ok? 

But no one seemed to noticed. They went about their days and nights and not one person figured out that one of their own was drowning right in front of them. 

Buck thought about Maddie and debated whether it would be worth while reaching out to her but he stopped himself from even considering it. She has had a rough few years and was only now reaching a period of calm that she hadn’t had in a long time. She was happy in her relationship, she enjoyed her job; she was in a good place in her life. He loved that for her, he had always wanted her to get to this point. Which was why it was easy to convince himself to hold things back from her. She didn’t need to be burdened with his issues.

His mind often went to the others while they worked together and wondered which one of them he could comfortably talk to. And he had come to the realization that he couldn’t talk to any of them. He had put enough drama and heaviness into their dynamicafter the lawsuit and things still weren’t back to normal and he didn’t want to add his mental anguish on top of it.He didn’t want to bother them with this, he should be able to deal with it on his own and get over it. But each day it became harder to feel anything but pain. 

Sleep barely came to him and most nights were spent staring at various spots in his apartment until he eventually passed out.Food wasn’t really appealing to him anymore but he ate enough to make sure he was able to function.He was exhausted by pretending he was ok all day every day and he looked forward to his days off, if only for the fact that he didn’t have to pretend things were normal. 

His head was constantly spinning, every kind of thought warring with each other until he was sure he was going to be overcome with dizziness and fall down.He was never able to relax anymore, the feeling of being pulled in one direction and then the other was stretching him too think. No longer did he feel connected to himself and it took a special amount of strength to hold on even when he did and that didn’t come around much these days.

He was falling fast and at some point soon, he was going to land. Hard. 


	7. Silence is a prison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During a late shift, the silence gets to Buck and he is reminded of how his childhood can affect his adulthood

He had always hated the silence, even when he was young. And now as an adult, he hated it even more. His life had been too full of it lately and there were times when he just wanted to scream, desperate for any kind of noise to break up the monotony of his quiet nights.

The station was practically silent at this time, not so surprising since it was almost 2:30 in the morning and most of the firefighters he was on shift with were trying to catch whatever sleep they could before a call came in. It was encouraged to grab sleep on these late shifts because if a bad accident occurred or a huge fire broke out somewhere, they would need all the energy and rest they could get beforehand. Buck should be in the bunks sleeping as well, but like a lot of his nights, he was spending this one wandering around in almost a haze, trying to out walk his thoughts.

His limbs felt both heavy and unattached; at times feeling like he was walking through knee high piles of mud and other times they felt like they weren’t there at all.He would walk by a window or any reflective surface and be startled by his own appearance. His eyes were dull, dark circles appearing underneath after weeks of sleepless nights. Where he once walked tall and proud, he now moved in a shuffle, head down and shoulders hunched trying to make himself as small as possible. It was something he had done as a child to pass under the radar of his father’s angry gaze. Some times it worked and other times if he was lucky, he got the closet.

That’s probably why he hated the silence so much. It would remind him of the punishments from his childhood where his father would become fed up with his energy or just the presence of his son and drag him to the back of the house and lock him in the closet for a few hours before taking Buck’s mother and leaving the house. The silence has been so loud, something Buck didn’t think silence could be. But it was a memory that he would never forget And lately it seemed he was remembering it more and more. Not so much the punishment itself , but how he felt during it. How something so weightless and quiet could invoke such panic and anxiety in a person. That feeling; more like muscle memory at this point, would return night after night, some times trapping him until he was practically begging.

_Let me out... let me out_

Buck shook his head until he was back in the present and could see his surroundings. The firehouse. The trucks. The ambulance. The traffic going by in the distance. He was here. He was an adult now. He was on his own. His father couldn’t do that to him again.

His parents were still alive, still living in the same house Buck and Maddie had grown up in back in Hershey Pennsylvania. He hadn’t had contact with them in 10 years. Any ties he had to them had been cut and he was fine with leaving it all behind. He had Maddie in his life now and that was all he needed. He should be able to let this all go. 

But everything was becoming tangled and meshed together in his head and he was having trouble trying to sort it all out again. Were his parents the source of his problems? Was it his issues with the team? Was it both? Was it more? It caused his stomach to cramp in pain any time he thought about facing all of it . 

“Shit” Buck said quietly to himself, rubbing a hand down his face. “I’m really fucking losing it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out, things get heavy and fall apart really quickly. I will be updating the tags and making any kind of trigger warnings that are appropriate. So just be forewarned


	8. Can you hear me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is begging for help but no one hears him

_Somebody please notice that something is wrong. Anyone... Anyone_

Buck sat at the table with the others, quietly sipping his coffee as the sound of joking and laughter came from all directions in the loft and if anyone had been looking at him, they might think he was a part of that lighthearted conversation. But the truth was that he wasn't. He had barely said a word since they all gathered together for a late night coffee and no one had seemed to notice. Yes it was a late shift and maybe they just figured he was tired and not up for talking. But if they had been paying attention, they would have realized that this had been going on for a while and wasn't just restricted to the lateness of the hour. It had been happening during the day shifts; the lack of noise and response in general should have been obvious by now and it still took him by surprise that no one mentioned it. Before the lawsuit he had practically been bubbling out of his own skin trying to talk over the others or share something he had learned that they might find interesting. He always had something to say or a joke to tell or a story to share. He was the most talkative out of all the firefighters, that had always been his thing. But since his return, he had gradually been pulling away, becoming less open and less prone to share anything. And no one had tried to pull anything out of him either, it was like they just did not know anything was wrong. Or they didn't want to see it. He was so sure that it was all over his face, that they could hear him screaming inside his head and would at any second leap into action and help him. He wanted to make it easy, he wanted to be able to say the words that rolled around inside his head every day and every night so it was clear that something was the matter. But he couldn't. Every time he tried, it just seemed to make things worse. Or like it was not worth getting worked up over.

_“So Buck....” Hen began to say, sitting down in front of him at the table and nodded to the bandage on the side of his head. “You ever going to explain the head wound?”_

_“Uhh... well.” Buck began to say, struggling over his words even though it should not have been a big deal. But lately it was like every interaction with the team had him watching his words, making sure not to say anything that would invite a blow up. “I had to get stitches the other night.”_

_“Why?” Eddie asked, not looking up from the plate he was filling with food and Buck was struck with the notion that he could not remember the last time Eddie had looked at him and had really seen him. “What kind of trouble did you get yourself into this time?”_

_“Wha....what makes you think I got into trouble?” Buck stammered, hiding his fingers under the table so the others could see them twisting together._

_“Because that is kind of your thing.” Chim pointed out with a laugh, pulling out a chair. “You just always seem to find trouble.”_

_“I didn't find trouble.” Buck muttered almost under his breath. Why did they never give him the benefit of the doubt? Why did they always have to think that every injury was a result of him doing something stupid?_

_“Or was it a sexual thing and you just don't want to admit it?” Chim asked, his question causing Eddie's head to turn in their direction and Buck had to look away before the other man could see the beginnings of heart rising in his cheeks. “That's it isn't it?”_

_“I fell down the stairs.” Buck held back from snapping, feeling his nerves coiling up and ready to spring forward and quickly pushed that feeling down. “I missed a few steps and hit my head on the wall. The bleeding didn't stop so I went to the emergency room.”_

_“Ahh classic Buck.” Hen shook her head and laughed, picking up her fork. “It's always something with you. Aren't you suppose to be past this clumsy phase? You need to be more careful.”_

_“Yea, something like that....” Buck trailed off, pressing his lips together tightly. “You know me. Just a big dumb idiot.”_

Buck came out of his memory of that afternoon and looked around the loft. The others hadn't noticed that he disappeared into his head, they were still carrying on their conversations with each other and Buck was too tired to try and include himself in whatever they were talking about. Their mouths were moving, but it was like the noise was on a delay by the time it reached his ears and it annoyed him so much that he tuned them out and just tried to pretend to be listening. They barely included him these days so he wouldn't have to put too much energy into paying attention. And if he was honest, he just didn't know what he would say. The memory of them teasing him about his head wound stayed with him. Bobby had kept him behind that day when he learned of the injury and even though Buck knew it was for the best, he didn't appreciate the look of disapproval that came from his captain. A look that said Buck had disappointed him in some way yet again.

He wondered how often since he came back that they had been disappointed by him.

They didn't always call him out on it either, but he saw the looks on their faces and he knew he had screwed up in their eyes. Some times that was worse and had it been any other point before the lawsuit then he would have been able to brush it off and laughed with them about it. But this wasn't like all those other times. This time their disapproval and disappointment stuck to him like sharp barbs that no amount of picking at could get them out. There were cracks in his heart that hadn't been there and every time, every interaction only made them grow bigger and made it that much harder to breathe. He looked around at his teammates, silently calling out them.

_Ask me what's wrong...Please ask me what's wrong._

No one paid him any attention. Hen and Chim were carrying on a conversation with each other, Eddie and Bobby were in the kitchen together and Buck was still at the table with his mug of coffee that was still half full. He wondered how long he could stay quiet before they finally noticed he how long he had been silent. 

He hated how pathetic he sounded in his own head. It's not their fault that they didn't know what was going on with him, he wasn't telling them anything and they weren't mind readers. They had their own shit to focus on and couldn't pick up on Buck's change in behavior. But he resented the fact that when the situations were reversed, he was always able to tell when something was wrong with them and did what he could to cheer them up again. Why couldn't they do that for him? Why was he so easy to ignore?

Buck stood up and moved towards the steps, leaving his mug on the table without a word. No body tried to stop him and no one called out to them. He reached the top of the stairs and looked over his shoulder. Everyone was still doing their own thing and hadn't appeared to see him get up. Hen's eyes met his briefly and for a second, his heart leapt and his mind was begging once more. 

_I need help. Please know I need help._

_I'm drowning here. Help me._

_Notice that something is wrong. Please._

But then just as quickly as her eyes had met his, Hen's eyes were pulled back to Chim and she was soon laughing at something he had said. Eddie came over to join him and he too seemed to be joining the fun. Buck debated going over to see what was so funny but instead he turned and made his way down the steps and turned down the hallway to the bunk, his limbs feeling heavy again and an old prickle at his eyes threatened to engulf him. It took everything in him to hold it together and once he was alone in the bunk room with the door shut behind him, that was when the tears started to fall.

But like everything else, they were silent and no one else heard.


	9. These nights are long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again Buck finds himself trying to outrun his thoughts and begins to realize he can’t go on like this

_Run... run... keep running_ .

The slap of feet on the pavement. The windrushing through the branches of nearby trees. The streetlights blazing down at the ground. A lone runner jogging past the same park bench for the 7th time tonight. On the 8th go around, he stopped and stood there in the middle of the sidewalk, hands clenched into fists as he struggled to draw breath into his lungs.

Just like most nights these days, Buck was out running in the park by his apartment. He had barely given himself enough time to properly tie his shoes before he was out here running through the night air. There was no point in trying to force himself to sleep, his thoughts wouldn’t stop racing around his head; so he did the next best thing, he tried to outrun them. He didn’t really keep track of how long he had been here, he just knew he had passed the benches more than a handful of times. The sensation of jogging seemed to jolt his head and it took a while for the thoughts to catch up and by then he was already off and moving fast. He ran and ran but the thoughts were always right behind him, chasing him like a monster in the night. And eventually they would catch him. They always did. 

Buck couldn’t even tell what it was that he was thinking about right now. Inside his head, everything was tangling itself with everything else. Was it work? Was it his parents? Was it the fact that he was alone and had been alone for a long time? Was it that he is practically nothing outside of the job? Was it the nightmares he still had after the tsunami? What was it? Was it all of it? Would it ever go away?

He couldn’t remember the last time he felt anything close to happy. But at least then he had felt a sense of belonging and purpose and family and with that surrounding him, he always made his way back to happiness . He was finding it too hard these days to do that anymore. He didn’t feel connected to anything or anyone. He was off floating through these days and nights and no one was grabbing him. What was keeping him here? 

He could reach out. He could call someone. Maybe not right now since it was the middle of the night and he didn’t want to bother anyone , but when the sky was light? He could call someone. And they could come sit with him and he wouldn’t feel so alone. Maybe then he would feel less untethered. Maybe then he would find the courage to ask for help. 

His chest felt empty, like someone had reached in and scooped out the insides like a pumpkin. It was scary having something that empty and large inside of him. He wanted to put it all back together but he didn’t know how to do that and he felt so tired just thinking about it. 

He was tired of it all.

Eventually he found himself back at his apartment, he could barely remember the walk back. He could feel the wins on his skin. He felt his hands curling the door handle. But it was like only part of him was there as he came inside and locked the door behind him. He couldn’t make the climb upstairs to his bed so he made himself a nest of blankets on his couch and sat there staring at the wall, willing his eyes to get heavy. 

_ This had to stop.  _

_ He couldn’t go on like this.  _

_ He was about to break. _


	10. Is anybody out there ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck starts to reach the end of his rope and reaches out for help. But finds that he is very much alone.
> 
> Warning for line of thinking that could be suicidal

Buck sat up in bed staring at the wall. The TV was turned to some random house flipping show but he wasn't watching it, he had only put it on to have some kind of noise in his otherwise silent apartment. He should have been use to it by now. The emptiness, the silence that never seemed to end. The countless hours he had spent on his own after trying to get the team together but for some reason the plans had always fallen through. He knew they had their own lives and troubles to deal with. But they never seemed to see that he was in trouble. And it seemed never ending at this point. This had been his life for months, he should have adjusted but he hadn't. He hated the silence. He hated the loneliness. He hated it all. He just wanted it to stop. The thoughts, the pain, the ache in his chest that never stopped hurting even when he was around the others. It was too heavy and he couldn't carry it anymore.

It wasn't easy for him to admit that he needed help. He had grown up with the type of father who saw any kind of expression of emotion as a sign of weakness and whom had tried his best to stomp that out of Buck multiple times over the years. It hadn't worked, Buck still felt everything and wanted to let it out but he knew enough not to show that in front of his father. Even now years later it was difficult for him to feel comfortable being vulnerable again with anyone. It was ironic since most people who met him said he wore his heart on his sleeve and maybe that had been true for a little while but it wasn't the reality anymore. Ever since the truck explosion and the surgeries and the embolism and the lawsuit, Buck had been retreating into himself more and more. Even when they said they forgave him, the team still moved around him like they were walking on ice and therefore chalked up any distance on his part as trying to move past the awkwardness of the lawsuit and return. And in the weeks and months that followed, their behavior around him hadn't changed. Sure on the surface it seemed like things were ok, but Buck knew it every time he stepped foot in to the station that things were far from ok and wouldn't be ok for a long time. And still he had hoped that because of their history, they would be there to help him when he was finally able to ask for help.

It's what you were suppose to do when you were in a dark place. All the TV shows and movies and doctors had always stressed the importance of reaching out to the people around you and asking for help when you couldn't help yourself; that if you did that then you would reach someone who would be able to be there for you and eventually you would be able to pull yourself out of that dark place.

But since the world apparently hated Evan Buckley, that didn't happen.

He had called Maddie first. She was his big sister, his only family that he talked to. If anyone was guaranteed to be there for him, it would be her. And by extension, so would Chim since the two of them now lived together after finding out Maddie was pregnant. But when he had called their house, she had been in a bad mood and everything he said only seemed to further set her off. She got frustrated with him tripping over his words, she was annoyed when he finally did mange to talk but it was about stupid things like the weather forecast or what he was watching currently on Netflix. He had been trying to work up to telling her about what was going on but Maddie's patience had been wearing thin for a while. He knew it was just nerves from being pregnant and she still had her own issues to work through, so he wasn't entirely insulted when she just set the phone down and walked away, leaving Chim to pick it up. Buck had attempted to try and start a conversation with Chim but it had ended fairly quickly and Buck was left staring down at his phone with a frown.

Ok, so his first try didn't work. That didn't mean he would fail again.

Hen was next. She had always been the one that was most open to the whole firehouse and she had been one of the only to still attempt to talk to him like she had before even thought it still felt weird. The point was that Hen tried, she cared. So he tried her a few hours after talking to Maddie. But it had been a bad time, the kids were shouting in the back ground and Karen was still at work so Hen's attention wasn't exactly on him. She did try though, coming in and out of the conversation while trying to keep the peace in her house. He didn't know how to bring up what was going on in his head and like with Maddie, he struggled to get the words out and sooner rather than later Hen had to hang up when she get frustrated with him. He had to get better at this.

He wasn't going to try calling Bobby. There was still a current of resentment that flowed between them ever since Buck had returned and since they never seemed to want to bridge that divide and talk about it, things had gotten worse. Bobby gave him lists of chores that never seemed to end, was reluctant to let him do anything dangerous while out on calls and looked at him like he was always waiting for Buck to screw up. Because that was what Buck did, he screwed up and never learned from his mistakes. And Bobby never gave him the chance to make up for it. Bobby and his relationship had been severely damaged and Buck doubted that it could ever recover. Bobby would likely brush off whatever Buck tried to tell him. So he was out.

Eddie. The only one left that Buck could realistically see himself reaching out to. They had been best friends for over 2 years and the amount of shit they had gone through together should have made it easy for Buck to call him and ask for help. But it wasn't the calling that was the problem. It was the talking and needing Eddie to help him that had Buck hesitant. And yet, he still called that familiar number and Eddie had still picked up. If it had been any normal time, Eddie would have read between the lines and knew something was way off. But he hadn't. He had been distracted because of Ana. Ana was there at the Diaz house on a Friday night, laughing in the background as Eddie tried to find a tactful way to end the conversation with Buck. He didn't want to talk to him, his tone had said it very plainly. It was the same tone that he had used any time he talked to Buck these days and it made him realize that Eddie was just humoring him to look good in front of his date. He didn't care that Buck needed him, didn't care that Buck was struggling to voice his pain. Eddie just wanted to get back to his girlfriend and leave Buck behind. It had sent an ice pick through Buck's heart when he heard the lightness in Eddie's voice as he spoke to Ana and Buck didn't think twice before he hung up, breathing heavy and his heart ached as it pounded rapidly against the walls of his chest. He started at his phone, waiting for Eddie to call back to demand to know why Buck had hung up on him, but the call never came. There wasn't even a text to call him back later. It was just silence. Like always.

There was no one. He had reached out to those closest to him and had gotten nothing in return. It could have been worse. They could have not picked up at all and just ignored him. But maybe this was worse. Because they had picked up and he could hear how very much they did not know what was going on with him and how they were too busy with their own lives to notice that his life was empty. They all had other people to care about, other things to take up their time. They didn't have much to spare for Evan Buckley and he knew that now. There was no point in pretending otherwise. He could slip in and out of these people's lives and they barely would notice. He was nothing to them, just a body taking up space. He was done. It was time to put all this to rest. He couldn’t carry it anymore.

Buck swung his legs over to the side of the bed and slid his feet into his shoes and hurried down the stairs. He debated leaving a note but who was going to be there to read it? It was the middle of the night and even it it wasn't, there wasn't anybody to leave a note for. By the time someone came by, he would be gone. The pain and anguish would be over and he wouldn’t remember it. He didn't stop to grab a sweater or leave a light on. He just wanted to go. He tucked his phone in his back pocket and swiped up his keys from the table near the entrance. As he closed his front door behind him, Buck wondered how long it would take for someone to show up here to check on him. He doubted it would be anytime soon. 

Would they miss him once he was gone?


	11. I've been tired for a long time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck has reached his darkest point yet. Will he go over the edge?
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: for suicide, suicide attempt, and suicidal thinking
> 
> If you need Help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> 1-800-273-8255

The night air was cool around him. The sound of the occasional passing car was the only noise besides the trickle of water below him that reached his ears. The feeling of being high above the ground had him swaying on his feet and he gripped the railing tighter instinctively, although soon enough that wouldn't matter. There wasn't much traffic in this area being that it was nearing 3 in the morning and the likely hood of another person discovering him was almost nonexistent. It was why he had chosen this spot. He didn't want anyone to stop him. It was mostly concrete below him, the height considerable enough that he still felt fear when he dared to glance down. He tried not to or else he would never be able to follow through. And he had to follow through. He couldn't go on the way he was. He couldn't take it anymore.

Buck took a deep breath, the wetness gathering in the corners of his eyes and he fought to keep them back. He couldn't cry now, not when he was this close to finally being at peace.

He knew, he knew deep down that this wasn't the way to fix things. He knew there were other ways to find peace. But he had tried all that. He had tried being patient. He had tried apologizing. He had done what was asked of him in the hopes that it would get him back on the team's good side. He tried not to get on their nerves like he knew had before. He stayed quiet and out of the way. And even when things were getting really bad he had gathered what nerve he had left and reached out to them. And no one had been there. No one cared to stay on the phone long enough so he could get the words out,. He couldn't blame them entirely. They all had lives outside of work and responsibilities that needed their attention, so it wasn't their fault that they didn't know how far he was sinking. But how did they not even noticed he was struggling at all? How could they not see that? They had been around each other for years, celebrating highs and mourned the lows. The team was there for each other through it all. They knew how each other operated and when someone was putting on a front. How could they not see through his mask that he was this close to the edge? Literally.

Buck glanced down, the hard ground so far below that he couldn't see it in the dark. But it was there waiting for him.

And when it was over he didn't want it to be the 118 who discovered him, so he had traveled farther out from his apartment so they wouldn't be the ones called when morning came and it was done. He didn't want to think about how they would be disappointed in his weakness or worse, how they might even be happy that it was all over and they didn't have to put up with him anymore. They were barely tolerating him as it was and having to clean up one more mess of his would just tarnish their view of him more. So why put them through that? It was the least he could do.

It was why he had found himself standing on the side of a bridge, miles away from his house contemplating jumping.

He was at the end of his rope. Things were never going to be the same again and he was tired. Tired of being sad, tired of mourning what he had once had with the team, tired of reliving every bad memory he had ever had and could no longer fight off. He was just tired. The wind rustled his hair and he gripped the railing and leaned forward so he was hanging out from the bridge with only his fingers keeping him stable.

Maddie would be the one who would mourn the hardest, she was his sister after all. But with her being pregnant and moving in with Chim, she wouldn't be sad for too long as other more important things would take up her thoughts. She would be sad for a few weeks but then she would think of him less and less as she moved on from his death until he became less than a memory and more like just a phantom that became more transparent as time went on. He would eventually not register in her mind at all. Still he wondered if he should have left a note. 

The others had already cut him out of their lives as it was, at least that is how it felt to him. They wouldn't miss him. They would notice they space he left behind in the firehouse, but they would fill that spot soon enough. They had done it before. He wouldn't be missed by them.

Buck looked down again, his grip becoming more slack as he stared into the darkness.

How much would it hurt? Would he even be aware of the pain? Or would he die on impact? Buck didn't want to think of surviving the jump only to lay there in agony until he finally succumbed to his injuries. He wanted it to be over. He didn't want to cling to this life anymore.

Just let go. That's all he had to do. Buck leaned further out, letting one arm drop so he was only holding on by one hand. The air felt light and he imagined he would feel like he was flying for a few seconds before the drop down. Then there would be nothing. He wanted that so bad. His fingers started to loosen.....

_zzz....Buzzz....buzzz...._

His phone was going off in his back pocket. He had forgotten that he had stuffed it in there on his way out of the apartment. It had been a habit really. He pulled himself back slightly, one hand going to his pocket to pull it out and even as he did was already considering not answering it. At least until he saw the name flashing on the screen. Eddie.

“Hello.” Buck couldn't stop himself from answering the call. Eddie never called him in the middle of the night, hell he barely called him during the day. So if he was doing it now then something had to be wrong. 

“Bucky.” It was Christoper, his voice quiet and soft in a way that always seemed to hit Buck right in the heart whenever it was directed at him. “Are you ok?”

“Yea buddy I'm fine.” Buck said, tightening his grip on the railing so he didn't fall. The last thing he wanted was for Christopher to hear his last moments on the phone, that would absolutely traumatize the kid for life. He didn't want that for him. He tried to put as much brightness in to his voice as possible so the kid didn't assume the worst. “I just couldn't sleep, so I'm taking a walk. That's all. Nothing to worry about.”

“Oh ok.” He replied, his voice relieved and softer than before. “I had a bad dream. That you were really sad and you went away for a long time.”

Buck felt the bile in his throat rise up at Christoper's words but he forced it down with every bit of strength he could muster. But the tears were harder to fight back and they gathered there in his eyes just waiting to fall. How was it that this kid who wasn't even 10 years old, could hit the nail on the head better than most of the people around him? That was just because of a bad dream. And Chris still felt it strongly enough that he had called him in the middle of the night. It made his heart ache in a way it hadn't for a long time.

“I'm not going anywhere kid.” Buck told him, hating that it felt like a lie coming out of his mouth. He looked forward so his eye sight was no longer staring at the ground, the movement making him sway a bit. “You should be sleeping. You have school in the morning.”

“I know, I just wanted to make sure you were ok.” Chris told him, his voice already sounding sleepy at the mere mention and it was hard not to crack a smile. “I miss you. Good night Buck.”

“Miss you too buddy. Good night.” Buck closed his eyes, his body trembling in the slight wind. The line went silent but he could still hear movement on the other end and was contemplating just hanging up when another voice spoke, catching his attention.

“Hey Buck.” Eddie sounded tired and nervous but mostly unsure; something he hadn't sounded like in almost all the time that Buck had known him.

“Hi Eddie.” It felt weird to be on the phone with the person he still considered his best friend even though things were so off between them. “Sorry Chris had a bad dream.”

“That's ok, it's not your fault.” Eddie replied and then paused. “Are you ok though?”

“Yea I'm fine.” Buck hurriedly said, gripping the phone tightly. “I just haven't been sleeping well, so some times I go for a run or walk to get myself tired.”

“Good good.” Eddie sounded like he was probably nodding to himself, something he did when he didn't know exactly what to say and the fact that Buck still knew this about him, kind of blew his mind. Eddie was quiet for a few seconds longer before he said “So I've been thinking....”

“Yea same.” Buck admitted, watching the tree branches move in the wind and listened to the water moving far below him. It was almost peaceful here.

“I just uh, I've been thinking about everything that has happened in the last few months and I'm not exactly proud of myself....” Eddie trailed off, like he lost where he was going and then suddenly remembered. “You know the lawsuit and everything...”

“Sorry about that.” The heavy weight returned to Buck's stomach anytime he thought of the lawsuit and everything that followed. “I know I screwed...”

“No no, don't apologize. It wasn't just you. It was all of us. Me especially.” Eddie cut in, trying to keep his voice low but his tone was full of discomfort and vulnerability. “I don't like how I've been behaving these last few months and I'm trying to work through some shit. And I just let it bleed over into everything else.”

“Yea well...” Buck leaned back against the railing , keeping his breathing level so Eddie wasn't suspicious. “I get that. I do. It's kind of sucked since I came back.”

“I know. And thinking about it just made me realize I haven't been trying hard enough and I need to do better. And I will. I know things have been shit since you came back and I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want to try to work through this.” Eddie explained and for the first time in a while, Buck heard a glimpse of the man he use to be practically attached at the hip with. “It may take time, but we'll get there.”

“Thanks Eddie. That means a lot coming from you.” Buck said sincerely and he meant it. Out of all the people in the 118, it was Eddie that he wanted to hear this from the most. “I'll let you go. Good night.”

“Good night Buck.” Eddie replied and then there was silence as he hung up and Buck was alone with his thoughts once more. He slid the phone back into his pocket and sighed, looking out over the vast space before him again.

He could let go right now and fall before he had a chance to think too much about it. It would be a long fast fall and a hard and painful landing. And then it would be over. He would be free. All of this would be behind him and he would never have to be alone with his thoughts ever again. But he hesitated. Hearing Christopher's voice and then Eddie's had given him just enough time to pause, to rethink it even if it didn't feel like he was rethinking it. He didn't want to do it. Not right now at least. There was strings reattaching themselves to him and then to his life. He couldn't cut them right now. And he couldn't make himself jump. It was too hard now.

Buck climbed back over the railing and the moment his feet touched the sidewalk, it felt like heavy weights attached to him and for a few moments, he couldn't make himself move. He stood there until the feeling returned to his legs and when he was sure he would walk without collapsing, he turned around and headed home.

This time he was sure he would be able to fall asleep without a head full of thoughts.


	12. It will all be alright (won't it?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath and what comes next 
> 
> If you need Help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> 1-800-273-8255

_1 week later_

It was almost 1 in the morning when Buck stepped foot into the firehouse and despite the lateness, he could hear the sound of voices coming from the loft area, suggesting that most of the crew was still awake. 

Tonight was one of those rare times when he wasn't on shift with the rest of his usual team and for most of the day he had been fighting this itch that was under his skin and that no amount of scratching or pacing or running could stop from irritating him. Sleep was out of the question. He had been lying awake in bed for the past 4 hours until finally he had given up and thrown on some clothes and sneakers and grabbed his keys. Maybe a drive would help this time. Except instead of driving through the mountains or some other scenic route, Buck found himself here at the 118 standing in the entrance and listening to the sounds around him. It wasn't as active as it was during the day, but it was still familiar enough to him that he could feel almost at ease when he walked in. Only now, he felt more like a stranger than anything else. 

Ever since that night on the bridge, everything felt too raw and intense and what use to be easy for him was now getting more difficult with each passing day. He thought coming here tonight would help but as he walked across the bay to the stairs, he felt the old stirring of anxiety fill his stomach and his head had gone cloudy with a mess of thoughts. Everything had changed now. He wasn't the same person and he was still waiting for someone to notice that and ask him if he was ok. But they all seemed content in the days after to just slip back into old habits and not question anything around them. Buck hadn't had it in him to bring it up and he just tried to reclaim his old dynamic among them and he must have been very convincing because no one knew anything was wrong. They were his friends, his family and no one thought to check in on him. Shouldn't they just have a gut feeling about these things? Apparently not, not even the shift after that night had the others questioned his odd behavior. He knew he hid it well but surely they should be able to tell. He didn't want to keep up this mask anymore. He was too tired. Still, he forced himself to climb the stairs to the loft and as everything came into view, Buck's eyes caught the team gathered around the table drinking coffee. For a few seconds, he stood there watching them smiling and laughing with each other and feeling more like an outsider than he ever had before. 

“Hey Buck.” Chim was the first to notice him and his greeting had the others turning immediately to look over to the top of the stairs where Buck stood uncertainly with his hands in his pockets. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and approached the table slowly. Chim waved him over to an empty chair. “Couldn't stay away could you?”

“Yea I guess.” Buck mumbled, not knowing what else to say as he sat down and Eddie came over with another cup of coffee and set it down in front of him. Buck managed a small smile. “Thanks man.”

“No problem.” Eddie squeezed his shoulder briefly before moving back over to his chair a few feet away. “Couldn't sleep?”

“Yea.” Buck replied, frowning down at the cup near his hand. He waited for them to ask what was wrong, waited for them to question more deeply why he had suddenly appeared at the station but they didn't. They didn't think anything was wrong. He looked up at them. “I haven't been sleeping well for a while.”

“You should get something for that.” Hen pointed out, her eyebrows raised knowingly. “Especially in this line of work, we need all the sleep we can get.”

“She's right you know.” Bobby spoke up from the other end of the table, his voice cutting through the haze in Buck's head . “If you're not focusing because you're not sleeping enough, then something could go wrong.”

“That's not my biggest problem.” Buck clenched his hands inside his pockets. _Ask me what's wrong. Ask me if I'm ok._

“Well it should be.” Eddie cut in, looking at Buck with his eyebrows slightly drawn. “I mean it's a life or death kind of job.”

“And if you don't realize that by now, then we have a problem.” Bobby said, studying him intensely but more so with the gaze of someone who had been waiting for an issue to turn up and had just been keeping quiet about it . “If you're not able to focus then we have...”

“I tried to kill myself last week.” Buck heard the words coming out before he could even begin to try to hold them back and as soon as they were out, he wanted to desperately pull them back in again. Instead he just sat there as silence fell between the 5 of them and the noise from the outside was the only thing that they could hear. No one moved, not even to adjust their positions in their seats. They were frozen in their chairs like someone had pressed pause and they were waiting to be released. Buck wanted to laugh, wanted to play it off as a joke and assure them that of course he was kidding and he didn't mean it. But what came out instead was the opposite. “I found a bridge a few miles away from my apartment and I was going to jump off.”

“Buck that's not funny.” Chim said, dropping the fork he had been holding and turned to look at him with a frown. “That's not a joke you just throw out there so casually.”

“It's not a joke.” Buck told them quietly, looking down so he wouldn't have to see their faces or else he would never be able to continue. “I've been in a bad place for a while and I couldn't deal with it anymore. And one night it was really bad and I just decided to be be done with it all.”

“When.” Eddie asked, his voice full of disbelief to the point that Buck glanced up slightly so their eyes met. “You said last week. But when last week?”

“That night Christopher called because he had a nightmare.” Buck explained, watching as the weight of his words hit Eddie and he wanted to cringe when realization appeared in the other man's eyes. “I was standing on the edge of the bridge when the phone rang.”

“You said you had gone from a walk because you couldn't sleep.” Eddie said quietly, his hands curling tightly on the table in front of him. “But you were walking to go kill yourself?”

“Yea.” Buck nodded, dropping his eyes down again.

“Why didn't you call one of us?” Bobby asked, his voice heavy with both horror and frustration and a little bit of anger. “We would have picked up.”

“I did call but everyone was either too busy to talk or didn't have the patience to wait for me to get the words out.” Buck said, sitting back in his chair, fighting the urge to rub his eyes. He felt so tired right now. “I didn't want to bother anyone any more than I already had.”

It wasn't the worst thing he had said, but it was like a bomb had gone off and now everyone was standing up and yelling at each other. Chim and Hen were questioning each others calls with Buck and Eddie and Bobby were exchanging angry words about Bobby's attitude towards him in the past few months. Accusations were being thrown about who was more to blame. They were all in some way talking about or yelling about Buck, but none of them were looking at him any more. Instead they were looking for answers in each other, questioning their behavior and actions while Buck sat at the end of the table and watched it all. It was about him but like most days and nights, he still felt like the outsider of the group and was only there to bear witness to the conversation at hand instead of taking part in it. There was distance between them and it was unlikely to change.

Buck slipped away unnoticed while they were busy trying to talk over each other and knew even with the way things had dissolved, it wouldn't be long before they noticed he was gone. He rushed across the parking lot to his jeep and climbed in, turning on the engine quickly. He had to do something.

And he had to do it now.

{*-*}{*-*}

“Can I help you?” The nurse asked when Buck approached the desk nervously and placed his hands on the ledge. He had been sitting in the parking lot outside the emergency room, debating whether or not he should do what he had been thinking of doing. Once he did it, there was no going back. It would be life changing. Hell, it could save his life. Once that thought had fitted across his mind, he had climbed out of his car and rushed in through the doors and approached the first desk that had a nurse available. Her eyes looked over him for any obvious injury and asked. “Are you ok?”

“My name is Evan Buckley.” He told her, his voice starting to wobble as his chest clenched with anxiety. “I want to voluntarily check myself in for a 72 hour psychiatric hold.”

“ Sir are you sure? That's for patients experiencing severe mental health issues.” The nurse explained to him, her eyes studying him as if trying to assess if he was playing a joke or not. But something on his face must have convinced her otherwise because she came around the side of the desk to stand in front of him, her face full of compassion, but ready to take charge. “Do you feel as if you are a danger to yourself?”

“Yes. I do.” Buck told her honestly. And for the first time in months, he felt something let go inside of him and he closed his eyes, waiting for whatever was to come next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to anyone and everyone who has read and commented on this story. It truly has taken me aback the response this little fic has gotten and I am glad you all have enjoyed it so much.
> 
> As for what comes next, there will definitely be a part 2 in this series. I don't know when it will be out but it is coming, so keep an eye out on that
> 
> If you need Help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> 1-800-273-8255

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to follow me on tumblr, my profile is thegreatgherkin87


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